why can’t i find you?

it’s funny
and even infinitely sad
how in this modern age
of wifi and 3d films
we run out of ways
to contact one another.

i can’t find you
in any kind of line:
landline, online.

why can’t i find you?
why can’t you be found?

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today feels like a rip off from Before Sunrise

Today feels like my life is a rip off from the movie Before Sunrise. Not really the romantic affair where you have two strangers haphazardly falling in love. It’s more of the part where, after realizing they don’t really want the one-night stand to be just that, they decided to meet at the train station after a couple of months. Jesse did come but Celine, due to an unforeseen circumstance, was not able to go. I could almost imagine how Jesse felt: excited yet uncertain as to what he will encounter this time of Celine.

I am no Celine and he is no Jesse, but right now I am feeling the same regret Celine probably felt at not being able to go at that meet up with Jesse.

Early this morning, I messaged him to ask for help. It’s been a week since we’ve talked, or more like fought. The first thing he said, of course, was that we were still “galit”. In a sense, I would have to admit, I still am frustrated at him for the things he said the other week. But a girl in need is a girl indeed. (Haha!) I have no one else I can ask for help for this particular concern. Anyway, I was just going to try. If he says no, I would just have to ask someone else. So I tried to find a way to contact him. When I messaged him, he replied immediately. He asked a few questions about what I was asking from him, and I was surprised that he did not even object.

I guess, this is the main reason why I feel so remorseful at not having taken the chance to go to the place where we were supposed to meet. He was so gallant about everything, much to my surprise. He is coming from Cavite, so to meet me definitely requires effort. Normally, he would make much fuss about such a request, but this time he didn’t. He was just so amiable about everything that the thought of him waiting is just so agonizing.

I waited for him to confirm the place where we are to meet, but he didn’t reply anymore. I tried calling him and his phone was dead. At the first few times I tried calling him and cannot reach him, I actually thought that he lied when he said he was going to come. But my mind started to conjure more gruesome images when his phone was still unreachable after a couple of hours. I was waiting for that news item which says there has been a terrible car accident from the south and every passenger of the bus is in the hospital, or something like that.

Throughout all these time, I was drifting off and on to sleep. I have a slight fever and the rest is definitely well appreciated by my body. This is the main reason why I did not go in the first place without the confirmation. I wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t want to be in a place where I am not sure I would be meeting someone.

It was only at around 6 in evening when I called his office to check if he was there. And he was. His voice sounded accusing, but flat of any raging emotions. He said he waited for me there until 1 pm. I asked him what time he arrived, and he answered 11:30. The thought of him waiting for one and half hours for me bore a hole at my conscience. I felt so bad that there were times during our conversation that I cannot really answer. We exchanged a few frustrated words and he hanged up. And I am here typing away my thoughts.

I pity the two of us. Ours is an affair that never seems right. We do something nice towards one another at one moment, and in another we fight over the most mundane things. We constantly argue about the fact that we seem to understand one another at one point, and in another not. We try so hard to close in the gap, but something happens that would drag us apart again. Don’t get me wrong, we are not together in the together sense. But we are friends, often the worst kind I believe.

I am so sorry at the fact that I didn’t come in the first place. I am sorry that he had to wait for someone who is not going to come. I am sorry that we are always so star-crossed. I am sorry, but I don’t know what else I can do except be near him even if fate seems to be always against it.

To him: I know you will be able to read this a couple of hours from now. I am sorry.

versification collaboration

A tribute to the CAM graduating class of 2012-2013
written with John Ross Hontonares and Denise Marie Guevarra

You may be done writing research
and almost off to college,
but before we let you go,
we’ll make your mind blow
by writing rhymes and verses.
Can you imagine? Just don’t ask for sonnets.

As a gift here’s a treat,
with a touch and a kick.
Who do you think we’ll start with?
Maybe we should pick…Zeke!

Oh, you just have no idea
what goes on inside James’s mind.
His world is inside the Universe of Zelda,
and in his weirdness uses, quote unquote, by the by.

But this mysterious one you’ll never guess.
You can’t deprive him of his rest,
but he is athletic at his best.
Don’t even dare say it’s Timo, because that’s a yes!

Mirror, mirror on the table,
to Snow White she may not be fairer,
but her side-swept bangs is just incredible.
If you’re guessing it’s Deiah, we’ll tell you later.

In the race to the fairest, she was first last year,
though a caterpillar she may not be near.
But her metamorphosis is more than physical.
Oh, Lars! Harhar! You certainly can be comical!

If you need him to speak, give him a guitar,
for with words and clauses he has lost the war.
Yet with the notes, he is definitely the victor.
Darren, you are our guitar hero!

Let’s now go to abs-solutely quiet Macky,
who is abs-solutely sporty.
He abs-solutely plays tennis well.
And, yeah, he abs-solutely likes rap, can you tell?

Now when we talk about clothes,
and the way one carries one’s soles,
we can only think about one.
Fashionable Pasya is certainly having fun.

Our next victim will take on any stage anytime.
Oh, you’ve probably heard her once in a while whine.
But, seriously, with her acting talent who’s to compare?
But only for tonight, Shea, this stage to us you’ll have to share.

Should we now go to Jeremy,
Who is wacky as anyone can be?
His energy is definitely contagious.
Even the most serious guy, he can amuse.

Jackson, Jordan, and Phelps are his namesake.
Any Math problem he’ll willingly take.
You always find him noisy, wanna bet?
Michael Angelo Elijah, have you met?

This next one is definitely missed,
For in caring she’s never least.
To her friends she’s ever supportive.
Love and care Thea always gives.

Forgive our rhyme, Bashful Kim.
We’re just charmed with your smile as it seems.
Everyone says you’re polite, nice, and friendly.
Though some also say you’re happy-go-lucky.

Picture, picture, Sir Photogenic.
Your blend of faith and humor is simply unique.
You’ve been naughty, frank, and swaggerific.
Robee, sir Robee, you are fantastic!

Now isn’t all these tiring?
But we are still far from retiring.
Allow us a few moments more,
for surely these last four should not bore.

Say, this one you’re about to hear
may be on most days at best a braggart,
but to his voice you surely have to lend an ear.
Dear William, we must admit you’re even better than Bogart.

And if you think you need a break,
perhaps you have to reconsider,
for who has worked so hard, so late,
to dance, to plan if not Kat our leader?

Here’s another leader to ponder.
Her faith she shows through song numbers.
How can we ever forget you Hazel,
and all the fond memories we have shared?

Save the best for last they say.
Truly, in eagerness and humor who can compete?
We have much to say about you, Taire,
but for now, let it suffice that you have smelly feet. I mean, you are neat!

Dear friends, we send you away
With much love and sincerest prayer.
May Lord God watch over your steps,
and may your lives in Him be kept.

i turn off the lights

i turn off the lights
on our battered lips,
as i refuse to watch
every impotence
fragment us
more than we would want
ourselves torn apart.

allow me now
to stifle your breath
with a pillow
and hope
that muffling your life
would save mine.

or, should i but blanket
my face and shroud
from your sight
the lowliness of my eyes,
where every acrimony resides?

isn’t it comic
that such an election be made:
none should triumph
and taste the sap
of much desired amity?

what sad reality is us,
where our heartbeats
shatter in the night,
leaving mere aftertastes
of paroxysms
that should never have been.

oh, darling sir, what surrender
would you consider most apt
in such a night as this?

 

barren

barren,
your voice in mute
reverberates
in the hollow
of my emotions.

in the desert
of this moment,
i find your strums,
vibrations building up
inside me,
the prelude
to undistinguished riff
of the heart.

not that
love
is in any way
a consequence
of notes ricocheting inside
the randall hall
and caressing my thoughts.

no,
but in your silence,
i find my words
find their life.
the notes i cannot write,
the melody i cannot play,
the songs i cannot sing,
moments i cannot overcome,
are in the foreplay
of your fingers,
feeling
and filling up
my deep solitude.

alas,
you are
in no way,
a hero
of my words,
nor a lovelorn guitar
that forever weeps
in my ballad.

no.

but you are,

at this transcendental moment,

my lonesome benefit.