I should change my pseudonym. Yes, I am the girl who writes. But also, I find that I am the girl who feels. And for the past weeks, I’ve been feeling much too much.
Yesterday, the weight crashed me down. I lost consciousness. I was so tired physically and even more so emotionally, that my body just shut down. It felt like a lock down. My thoughts blacked out and unconsciousness embraced me.
For more than an hour, I was sleeping. I don’t know if I dreamt of anything. All I know is that it felt somewhat liberating to not be thinking for a while, to not be feeling.
Waking up is eventual. That’s not something I can decide upon. But release, release that I can choose.
I realized that I really need the time off from all the people and circumstances that have been weighing me down. I have been feeling too much, yet I am unable to process all of them. I was at the precipice of falling.
And fall I did yesterday. Head on. The collision? As expected, numbing.
This morning, I woke up still feeling like crap. Sleeping more did nothing to alleviate what I am feeling. But then, I also woke up with a more intense desire to rid myself of whatever it is that I am anxious about.
Music is my release.
(Poetry, thank you for never failing me, even when I have already failed myself.)
I know that I look crazy for posting one lyrics after another in Twitter. I know my micropoetry looks like fragments from an already fragmented mind. I don’t care, really. I need this. I need music and poetry to do the talking and processing for me.
She’s being weird, he said. You feel too much, he pointed out, sounding like an accusation. She’s been crashing and burning, he said about me.
I had to laugh at that. I am not going insane, because I feel like I already am. I am not being weird, because this has always been how I am.
I am merely expressing what I am unable to fully express by myself.
And for a fact, I need this moment to just feel. I need all these emotions to hit me hard and cripple me. Because I feel too much. Anything less than that is simply unacceptable.
I need this. And I need release. I need to blurt out my thoughts. I need to cry and laugh and joke and get angry. I need to love and hate and get anxious and be thankful. All at the same time.
Because that is what a girl who feels too much does. She feels too much. And hopefully, she also writes much about all she’s feeling.
This is my release, the girl who feels’ release. And I know, somehow, because I believe in the Supernatural, that I will get better too eventually. I’ll be better. I’ll feel less and I’ll be fine.
But for now… Music and poetry, thank you for keeping me company.